Bipartisan Bill to Use Social Security to Fund Weapons for Ukraine
A Plan to Reduce Wage Pressure While Controlling Inflation
A bipartisan group of United States Senators quietly have begun to craft legislation that will simultaneously deal with long-term funding issues for Social Security and provide for increased deliveries of lethal weapons for Ukraine.
According to uninformed confidential sources, several Republican and Democratic Party lawmakers are deeply concerned that unless the federal government pulls even more money out of the otherwise fully funded Social Security account, millions of old and disabled Americans will actually feel secure in retirement. During one of their closed door meetings, Senators Angus King of Maine and Bill Cassidy of Louisiana reportedly expressed grave misgivings that despite the federal government having already "borrowed" more than $1 trillion from Social Security over past years to fund various pork barrel projects for select constituents, the retirement accounts of millions of senior citizens remain solvent.
Speaking confidentially to Hippomuse investigative reporters in a barely audible whisper, one unnamed Utah Senator and former private equity fund manager said: "Financial insecurity is what made this country great! If people believe that they have enough money socked away in secure government accounts to live adequately in their old age, then, well, everyone will just stop working! That road leads straight to the Hell of drug abuse, obesity, China, unmarried sex and Communism!"
The working group of senators has proposed to increase the threshold retirement age to 70 to qualify for social security benefits and to create a sovereign wealth fund that would invest Americans' Social Security money in the stock market.
Unnamed but extremely eminent experts employed by a consortium of banking and Wall Street interests advised the senators that by increasing the retirement age, more Americans will work themselves to death, thus saving the Social Security Administration billions of dollars in pay-outs that could then be used to bolster the stock market. This, in turn, would boost the gross domestic product, especially of the financial sector.
Furthermore, the unnamed eminent experts expertly said, that by borrowing Social Security money and using it to fund weapons research and manufacturing, the federal government could donate even more lethal weapons to Ukraine, thereby increasing patriotic investors' profits which, indirectly, could be used to pay the salaries of septuagenarians who will have to continue working to stay alive (although working at greatly reduced salaries to reflect their decrepitude and reduced productivity). "That, too," said the unnamed eminent Wall Street and banking experts speaking expertly, "would have the additional salutary effect of reducing wage pressures across the board while helping to control inflation."
Senator George Santos from New York's 3rd Congressional District, who is neither a senator nor a member of the working group (but said he was) applauded the idea which he claimed as his own.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell also chimed in saying that the proposal to loot Social Security funds was a viable alternative to raising the national debt ceiling. "If we can repeatedly steal oil from Syria, if the EU can seize Russian assets, and if the U.S. can confiscate the gold reserves of Afghanistan's treasury, then I see no reason why working class Americans' Social Security funds cannot also be used to support America's ideals at home and abroad, as we see fit."
From his secure and secret offices deep in the basement of Victoria Nuland's home, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a press release on U.S. State Department stationary supporting the idea of using Americans' Social Security money to fund Ukraine's military.
"Ukraine's security is America's security and that is surely secure," Mr. Zelensky said, adding as an aside: "Because if Russia wins this war, then, soon, all America's children will have to learn Russian and eat boiled cabbage and borsht; and street signs will be rewritten in Cyrillic, so you won't be able to read anything and everyone will get lost trying to get somewhere or other; and you will have to celebrate Karl Marx's birthday instead of Christmas; and your parents and grandparents, just like us in Ukraine, will have to fight Putin's barbarian horde of invaders landing on the beaches of Kansas and Oklahoma. So, yes, your Social Security is our Social Security, and so long as you have any money, we want it, and your kids, too, thank you."
No vote on the proposed legislation is currently scheduled, nor is one anticipated until some Friday at midnight during a major news event distraction as yet to be determined.