The Art of the Deal: Donald Trump Buys Mars, the Moon and Greenland
Make Amerika a Crate Again: The Blockbuster Deal of the Century
Dateline: January 21, 2025.
It was the day after Donald Trump's second inauguration as President of the United States. The leadership team of the World's Greatest Democracy met in secret discussion.
After buzzing around New Jersey's Turnpike and airports for several weeks, Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 landed his/her/its/their multicolor blinking space orb on the White House lawn, got out, oozed over and through the walls straight into the Oval Office.
"What the Fuck?" exclaimed Co-Presidents Elon Musk and Donald Trump in tandem as the green hued intelligent blob from the planet Inyagloűpstakt slid into an upholstered arm chair and introduced his/her/its/their self by waving its eye stalks and wriggling its multiple barbed tails.
"Grrrreetiъz Aresideъt Trr-umff and Hister Tsmuzzque," wheezed Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 through his frontal beak orifice. "I am Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5, from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt in the Alcyoneus Galaxy. I/we brigg you greetiggs from our world and wish to, ah... contribute, yes, contribute to, ah, mach Amerika a Crate again. Yes. And again! And again! Congratulations to MACHA, ah, hmm, yes. 'Brat' you say? Very very. Yes. So. Thank you. Brrrrrrr. Pop."
"That's amazing!" exclaimed Elon Musk. "A real space alien! The Alcyoneus Galaxy is 3.5 billion light years from Earth! How long did it take you to get here?"
"Whrrrrrrr. Nggggg. Uuum, so, like, very long time, Hister Tsmmmuzzque. Took, um-mm, eight hours Earth-thing time. Brat. Full autopilot. Use, ahh, solar power. But because batteries run down too low, hah hah. You know. No quick recharge station beyond your Neptune, eh, what, what? Tried to plug into your puny weak sun-star for power recharge, but not too quick. Need fast recharging plug-in for super giant sun. Super giant nova star. Puny earth-thing sun-star way too small for return trip to Inyagloűpstakt in the Alcyoneus Galaxy. You know, I recharge once and earth-thing sun-star gets fully drained, then go very darrrrk, verrrry coooold after single charge-up. Become instant brown dwarf star. You won't like when your own sun-star blinks out and cold to recharge intelligent slime blob spaceship. No sir. Also, take way too long to recharge. Several eons. Use hybrid electric-steam engine instead. Coal powered. Very very. Thank you. Brrrrr. Pop."
"You're an alien?" asked President Trump. "Maybe you haven't heard the news yet, but there's a new sheriff in town and all you aliens are going to be deported back to where you came from! You came here from some giant slimy planet in some kind of galaxy, you say? What kind of a shit-hole world is that? And did you vote for Camel Harris in the last election? Do you have any good golf courses out there? Just asking."
"I am an intelligent blob from the planet Inyagloűpstakt You have visited Inyagloűpstakt in the Alcyoneus Galaxy, Aresideъt Trr-umff?!?!" asked Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 incredulously. "My world is ah, ah, yes, one giant hot slime ball. Like you know, psssst, brrrr, mmmmmm, like you ert, ah, ertls, ahhh, ertles, ahhhh... Earth-things, yes, Earth-things... like you Earth-things trying to make on own planet Earth here. Shit-hole. Yes. Hmm. And no. Did not v-v-v-v-vote for Camel Harris, who that is? No, not. Did not. 'What can be unburdened by what has been a bean.' Has bin. Yes? Joy? Lotsa joy! Ah hah hah! Has been a bean! Thank you. Whrrrr. Pop."
"Well, if you're so intelligent, Mr. Blob," said President Trump, "then you damn well better learn to speak better American because from here on out, we're going to force everyone to use Dollars and speak good American and respect American culture and act like Americans. And it doesn't matter what country or planet you come from. Or else! You got that Mr. Alien Blob? And, uh... you blob guys don't happen to have any nuclear weapons, do you?"
"Whrrrrrrr. Nggggg. Uuum, so, like, very understood, Aresideъt Trr-umff. What what? We guyzzz? We are me/us/his/her/it. I am 4/5 of various gender types combined at once. That's why I am named Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5. Four of Five all rolled into one. Verrrry efficient, yes. But we life-things from Planet Inyagloűpstakt do not have full speaking a-a-a-apparat t-t-t-appara.... ratusususes, like you earth-things. No mouth or larynxxxxx, hmm. Voice box. Not. Have beaks and pharynxxxx, some like you Earth-thing birds, yes, pharynxxx. Swwwwerrrrrreeeet. Like a whistle. Swwwerrrrreeeet. Have much problem with Anglisch, ummm, Engel-isch. Also, no lips. So. No p-p-p-p-p-plllosives like "P-p-p-p-p" as in Aresideъt Trr-umff. Also big big problems with labials like mmmmmmm, as in Hister Tsmmmuzzque. Brrrrr. Pop. And no, no nuclear weapons on Inyagloűpstakt, Aresideъt Trr-umff. That why we called "intelligent" life forms. Ha ha!" Earth-things maybe not so much. Too soon to tell, OK? Brat. Brrrrr. Pop.
The intelligent slime blob extended one of his/her/its/their tentacles and grabbed a dish of cookies off the President's desk. He/she/it/they tipped the cookies onto the floor and ate the plate. "Mmmmm, yes," said Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 the Inyagloűpstakt as it wiped porcelain crumbs from its beak. "Good. Wrrrrr. Uh, thank you. Pop."
"Well, why are you here? What do you want?" asked Elon Musk.
"Whrrrrrr. Naaaagggggh. Ooommph. I am intelligent blob. Businessman/woman/thing/corporation. Buy, sell, trade. You know. Ahhhh, bzzzzzz. Make lots of money. Brat. Make a deal. Yes? Whrrrrrr. POP."
Now President Trump's one and a half ears perked up! "A businessman? What kind of business are you in?"
"All kind of busy busy business, Aresideъt Trr-umff. Financial carry trade. Galactic crypto currencies. Develop real estate. Whole solar system and galaxy developments. Uhh, strrrrippp mall. Hah hah! Strrrrrippp mall where earth-planet get strippp-ed. Hah hah! Shopping Center. Housing development. With a-a-a-forrrdable homes. Like chicken coops, hah hah! Yes. Lots of buildings with all look alike a-a-a-forrrdable homes. Cram lots of Earth-things inside look-alike chicken coops. Lots of money make. Hah ha! Very big golf courses, of course, of course. Hmm. Whrrrrr. Brat. We can sell/trade you Greenyaland, Cccccanadaa, Pamamamma and, maybe, Planet Mmars and your Mmmmmooon? If price right. Of course. Of course. We on planet Inyagloűpstakt read in our news blobs that you wanna buy real estate. Yes? For national security, of course, of course. Aha ha ha! If price is right. You can have, uh, national security. Hah hah! Pfzzzzzz. Brrrrrr. Pop.
"Wait a minute," said Elon Musk. "You own Greenland, Canada and Panama? And Mars and the Moon? How is that possible? I thought Denmark owned Greenland."
"Not Denmark. What's a Denmark? I/we own. I/we own them all. All fair and square. Greenyaland is called "Green" land because it was first settled by giant intelligent slime blobs like me, long long time ago. That's why it's "Green" land, not "Whiteland" or "Purpleland," see? Inyagloűpstakt colonists stake out slimy claim to "Greenyaland" when it was truly green, long before Earth-things walk on two legs and drop out of trees. Also what you call Cccccanadaa and Pamamamma.
"Long long ago. I bought rights to Greenyaland, Cccccanadaa and Pamama at charity auction ball. There's more. Brrrrr. Zppppppp. I/we also won title to Mmars and 500,000 Earth-thing years ground lease for Mmmmmooon in Inyagloűpstakt high stakes poker game in galactic gambling casino: 356 card stud. Straight flush. Royal flush, all 356 cards. Quantum luck of the drawer, I/we think you say, yes? Verry lucky I am. Yessir, own 'em all. I have the IOU and deed right here to prove all. Swwwwerrrrrreeeet."
Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt in the Alcyoneus Galaxy drew out several rainbow colored shimmering digital documents from his leather attache case. The documents described themselves as deeds of trust and Uniform Commercial Code Article 3 Negotiable Intergalactic IOUs providing him with clear title to Canada, Greenland, Panama, Mars and a 500,000 year ground lease for the Moon. With his multiple slippery tentacles, he/she/it/they waved the deeds and the IOUs in front of President Trump's and Co-president Musk's eager eyes.
"Now," said Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5, from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt. "What you give mmmmeeee, for right to own, develop and mine Greenyaland, Cccccanadaa, Pamamamma, Mmars and Mmmmmooon." Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5 paused momentarily and added ominously... "And if you don't want, I go next to China and make a deal, OK? Chinese much easier to speak and read, and much more logical than Angerlisch. Hmmm. Brrrrr. Pop."
Co-presidents Trump and Musk put their heads together and whispered to one another:
"Hey, this alien blob's loony," said President Trump. "And he's also pretty slimy - my kind of business man, you know what I mean? Why don't we offer him a zillion U.S. dollars. You know, between the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Treasury they can print any number of digital dollars in a second! And then, right after we do the deal... we impound his bank accounts just like the EU did to Russia. Then we deport him to, I don't know, Venezuela or France or South Africa! We definitely want to buy the Moon. Think of the luxury hotels we can build up there! And the golf courses! That, plus we can put up on the Moon big neon flashing signs for cars, and beer and whatever. And every time there's a full Moon, you won't be able NOT to see the ads! This could be very very big, very huge, Elon!"
"Nooo," said Elon Musk, "Who cares about the Moon? It's Mars that we want! Let's offer him a zillion dollars worth of Dogecoin! And if he won't take that, maybe we can trade him even up for Denver and San Francisco?"
"Pssst, pssst, psst, psst, psst, psst, etc. etc. and etc, wink, nod, wink, wink, wink and etc......."
President Trump cleared his voice. "Ahem. Mr. Intelligent Blob from wherever. In return for you giving me, ahem, selling to the United States, that is... all rights to Canada, Panama, Greenland, Mars and the Moon, the United States Government will offer to pay you, in annual installment payments at 2% interest over the next 600 years, a half a zillion dollars U.S. - the greatest currency on Earth, mind you, backed by the (ahem) the FULL FAITH AND CREDIT OF THE UNITED STATES - plus 250,000 Dogecoin, all transferred to a completely safe and secure digital escrow wallet held in the Cloud of some computer company working hand-in-glove with the U.S. government - plus Denver, San Francisco, New York City, Seattle, San Francisco and TikTok...
"... and... we'll also throw in a fabulous new ocean view home on Topanga Canyon Boulevard in Pacific Palisades, California. Plus… Justin Trudeau; New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg; Germany's Olaf Scholz and Foreign Minister Annalena Baerbock; the European Union's Ursula von der Leyen; the Chicago White Sox baseball team; a lifetime supply of very safe and effective Covid19 MRNA vaccines (cough, cough); Mark Zuckerberg; Governor Gavin Newsom; plus... Benjamin Nettanyahu's soul. Of course, we have to discount the price some because, you know, we can't be sure that you really do have clean title to all these places you want to sell us. So, do we have a deal, Mr. Intelligent Blob?"
"No deal," said Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5, from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt.
"My title to Greenyaland, Cccccanadaa, Pamamamma, Mmars and Mmmmmooon just as good as your title to what you take from local Indians, yes? Way back in beginning. And you buy Alaska from Russian Tsar .... from Russian Tsar? Who'd he buy it from, hmm? No local Inuit owners asked no nothing, right? Or you buying New York from non-owners for a few glass beads. Or you buying Looooos... Looossss.... Louisiana Purchase; big chunk of real estate, you betcha. You buy Louisiana Purchase from N-n-n-Napoleon for pea-pea-peanuts. No local Indians asked no nothing, right? Or stealing Texas and California from Mexico. Stealing Hawaii from Hawaiians. Hah hah! Also, don't want no fake green German Annalena Baerbock. Aha ha! Too funny, yes? And no, don't want U.S. dollars. You make a good joke, Aresideъt Trr-umff! Full faith and credit of the United States! Aha ha ha! You Earth-things always, always, always act in bad faith, break all agreement and have only negative credit. Yes. Aha ha ha. Chicago White Sox base-a-ball team? Aha ha! And Benjamin Nattanyahu soul? You make joke? If you sell his soul, then sale price already discounted, yes?
"Yes, you one verrrry funny man, Aresideъt Trr-umff... I leave now to talk Chinese with Mr. Xi Jinping. Do direct galactic currency exchange through BRICS. No flaky dollalalahs necessary. Very good. Yes?"
"No wait!" shouted Mr. Musk grabbing the blob by two of his/her/its/their tentacles. "What if we also throw in... New York State, Ukraine, Anthony Blinken, Jeff Bezos, Emanuel Macron, Microsoft Corporation, Aaron Rogers and the New York Jets football team, the entire European Union including France and Germany and Lichtenstein, a free year long lease of a Tesla cybertruck... plus the British Parliament, along with the prime minister of Israel and his cabinet, the West Bank of the Jordan, Gaza, the Golan Hights, Beirut, the Pope and the Cathedral of Notre Dame? Whaddya say, Mr. Blob?"
"Hmmm," said Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5, from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt. "Definitely don't want Ukraine or Anthony Blinken. Not for sure! Not for sure! You also verrrry funny, Hister Tsmuzzque. You throw in, too, original Disneyland, super duper super spooky CIA and Mossad backdoor algorithm for hacking all phones and computers, 100 million cheeseburgers, patent rights for so-called "artificial intelligence " ... now funny idea that, verry funny! Artificial intelligence on ah Planet Earth-thing!... Also lifetime subscription to Hippomuse on Substack, no charge Costco membership, automatic first class upgrade on all airline tickets, vintage 1963 VW Microbus with sticka shift, entire U.S. Suprema Court, City of Las Vegas, winning Power Ball lotto ticket, and all of America south of Río Bravo del Norte or Rio Grande as gringos call it, yes?
"... oh, so I/we don't forget… plus Taylor Swift, Blake Lively and gymnast Olivia Dunne. Maybe then we think about it. Maybe...
"... and you keep Benjamin Nettanyahu and Israeli cabinet. Pfui. Unclean - treif! Also, not West Bank, Gaza, Golan and Beirut. Palestine already promised land to intelligent being of my world. All of Palestine from River to the Sea will be free. That not mean free like "free beer," yes? Long, long, long before this funny planet even cool off. Long before you Earth-things walk on two legs and drop down from trees. The Super Intelligent All Powerful Slime Ball in the Alcyoneus Galaxy promised it so. It is written in slime. From the River to the Sea, Palestine is free. And green. So. Holy book and all that. Our slimy holy book much much holier and slimier than yours. Not negotiable. Everythings else: you takes it or you leaves it. Ummhumm. Swwwwerrrrrreeeet. Brrrr. Brat. Pop.
In the end, after additional spirited negotiations, a lot of eye-rolling, knives in the back, fingers crossed and a clasp of tentacles all around, the parties inked their slimy signatures across the contract documents with proper notarization.
The United States bought the mining and development rights to Canada, Greenland, Panama, Mars and the Moon and gave to the intelligent business blob from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt everything that he/she/it/they had demanded... plus the editorial boards of The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, CNN, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, 2 million tons of anthracite coal to fuel the intelligent blob's spaceship's hybrid electric-steam engine, the entire portfolio of music copyrights issued by the USPTO since 1950, the Royal Academy, Cambridge University, the Egyptian Pyramids, Hollywood, Harvard Business School, Jeffrey Epstein's Kompromat videotapes of the rich and powerful that were impounded years ago by the FBI, and half of the 150% tariff to be collected on the sale or purchase of goods from the West Coast after President Trump constructs his new wall (and moat) sealing off California, Oregon and Washington State from the rest of the USA.
As the new business partners went their own ways, President Trump whispered to Co-President Musk: "What a deal, eh, Elon? The deal of the century! Now, before that rube figures out what's happened, let's get our tech experts to spoof some Chinese spy agency, hack his account and drain it before he can spend a nickel! We'll blame the commies... and we'll get everything without spending anything! The deal of the century!
Dåscέzyügrъziy 4/5, meanwhile, from the giant slime planet Inyagloűpstakt in the Alcyoneus Galaxy, humming and chirping merrily to himself, zipped away in his multicolor blinking space orb. Twiddling his/her/its/their tentacles, the intelligent slime blob headed for the EU capital in Brussels, and thence the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland... where he/she/it/they would offer for sale or trade identical copies of the IOUs and deeds, the development and mining rights, for Greenland, Canada and Panama, Mars and the Moon that he/she/it/they had just sold to the United States.
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