The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Vegetables
Life Among the Three Dimensionals, Chapter 9
I watched the motel manager leering at us from his office window.
Szofia slammed the door shut, locked the deadbolt and leaned a chair against it. "Now excuse me while I get to work," she said. Szofia stood upside down on her head and began to use her "burner" mobile phone. I asked her what she was doing.
"Hnƃɥ' I ɔɐu,ʇ nupǝɹsʇɐup ʍɥɐʇ ʎon,ɹǝ sɐʎᴉuƃ˙ ⅄on sonup lᴉʞǝ ʎon,ɹǝ ʇɐlʞᴉuƃ ndsᴉpǝ poʍu¡"1
"Szophia," I replied, "I couldn’t understand what you were saying. You sounded like you were talking upside down!"
She righted herself and squatted on the carpet, still working her digital device. "Hugh, I couldn't understand a word that you said. You sounded like you were talking upside down!"
"What are you doing, Szophia?!"
"What am I doing? Well, why didn't you ask that in the first place? I mean, whaddya think I'm doing, Hugh? I'm trying to save your proverbial bacon, Mr. Five Dimensional Scholar."
I was totally confused. "Szophia, how can using your digital device do anything to help?"
"I'm posting to my Substack page. Also my Tweezers and my Fazebuch and my XYZ and my Telegram social media accounts. I’ve got tons of followers who depend on me, you know what I mean?"
"Szophia, how is any of that relevant to this terrible situation?"
"Oh never mind, Hughbiedoobe. You just go back to doing whatever you academic gasbags do and let little Szophie take care of everything."
After a few minutes, she turned off her device, and stood on her head again in front of the television. She turned it on and rapidly fiddled with the channel changer. Every time she pressed the button to change the program, a tickle would pulse through me. I lay down on the floor, curled myself into a yoga position and tried to meditate.
The noise of the television disturbed my meditations.
... back, back, waaaaaay back and ooooout of here. It's a hoooome run <click>
... cleans even the dirtiest shirt collars <click>
... Loooove you, Baby; Ah ah ah ah looove you, Baby, Ah ah ah <click>
... for a limited time only, you can get two for the price of three <click>
... blew up more Gaza hospitals and killing thousands <click>
I ruminated on my situation. Here I was, a Pioneer five dimensional sent to a backward three dimensional planet in a peculiar three dimensional uni-slice of the Multiverse. I had been substituted for one of the local dominant species, a certain "Hugo Nash" who, it turns out, was kind of a schlep who might have been a bad choice for my cover. And now, here I was, linked up not with the three dimensional fauna I was supposed to study, but with some other alien - a four dimensional vegetable - and hiding with her in a dumpy motel.
While I was trying to think through my predicament, Szophia was playing with her digital tracking device and making a lot of noise racing through all the television channels.
... ackackackackackackackackack! Ackackackackackack! <click>
... sauteed with ginger and creamed <click>
... Operators are standing by now to take your orders <click>
... can't let Russia win because America <click>
... ackackackackackackackackack! <click>
How did I get here? After just a few days into my research, I was "on the run" from the local authorities accompanied by a 4D intelligent and ambulatory vegetable from a different slice of the Multiverse. Szofia, who sometimes looked like a little earth-girl, and sometimes like a very large and very prickly cacti-redwood-blackberry tree, who was herself on the run from the authorities of her world who, she says, were intent on pruning and espaliering her.
She said she was 78,238 human years old and had been hiding on Earth for ages. But she only looked like she was 12. It would undoubtedly attract too much attention for Hugo Nash to be seen traveling around this three dimensional world with someone who appeared to be a green-haired 12 year old girl. It certainly was a little undignified for a five dimensional gaseous intelligent to be entangled with a four dimensional fugitive with a very short attention span!
Perhaps, I thought, it would be best for me and Szofia to part ways. But how? I didn't even know where I was. Where was this 'Comfy Inn Motel' where we had 'holed up'?
Meanwhile, my research was being neglected while my health was deteriorating. The local atmosphere, rich in high and low frequency radiation and noxious fumes, was deleterious to my well-being, and very addictive. I found myself slurping radiation more and more frequently, which, I was sure, added to the high gas pressures I felt from the tension of our fugitive status. Szofia was right – even at the hamburger joint, I wanted to crawl underneath the heat lamps.
As I ruminated, Szofia continued to plow through the television channels.
... yes, hold me, kiss me {SMOOTCH!} again, {SMOOTCH!} just <click>
... ackackackackackBOOM ackack BOOM ackack <click>
... so when your family demands the very best <click>
... can't let China win because America <click.
... nothing tastes as good as a double <click>
Perhaps the best thing, I thought to myself, was for Pioneer Control to abort my mission and declare this uni-slice segment of this galaxy "off limits" to 5D intelligents. Ahhh, then I could go home to my Trippy Pippy, spread my gases and learn and lead a fulsome life of intelligence culminating in the longed-for disintegration into the Universal Omphalus. Oh, that would be so fine.
... our Redeemer loves you, and that's why every dollar you contribute <click>
... referee doesn't notice the choke-hold! Hulking Harry is looking for the tag <click>
… check with KPUT reporter Christine Zipe for the latest information on the jail house breakout <click>
... after you are sure that the last frost is over, plant the seeds 3 inches deep and 6 inches apart. Add a mixture of bone meal and potting soil tamping it down gently with...
But wait! Something had caught my attention on the television. “Szofia,” I said. “Could you switch back one channel?”
“Noʇ uoʍ' Hnƃɥ' ʇɥᴉs ᴉs ᴉuʇǝɹǝsʇᴉuƃ˙˙˙˙ ∀up I ʇolp ʎon ʇo sʇod ʇɐlʞᴉuƃ ʇo ɯǝ ndsᴉpǝ poʍu˙ I ɔɐu,ʇ nupǝɹsʇɐup ʎon¡” she said while standing upside-down on her head.2
Szofia snarled as she righted herself. “Killjoy!”
<click>
“... all but one of the 32 inmates who escaped from the county jail on Friday afternoon are now back in custody, according to Sheriff Cody Wrangler who spoke at a late night news conference. That one inmate, believed by authorities to be the ringleader of the break-out, is still on the run. Sheriff Wrangler, can you tell us the latest developments in this amazing case?”
“Well, uh, as far as we can tell, uh, Christine, this, uh, was a well-planned escape that, like, was intended to cause the maximum amount of disruption to the system. Because of the highly sophisticated AI technology deployed by the criminals in bypassing our, uh, electronic securities systems, we've contacted federal agents from, you know, both the FBI and, like Homeland Security, who right now are searching the cells for clues.
It's also apparent that a powerful, uh, nerve drug of some sort, you know, was administered to the jail staff - probably, like, through the ventilation system - which, you know, knocked out all our personnel. As a precaution, we've put all affected personnel on medical leave of absence, you know what I mean, and we're taking like blood and urine samples at General Hospital in order to help us identify the, uh, exact biological agent employed during the breakout just in case something like Anthrax or Covid or Black Plague was used, you know what I mean.
Christine, it's obvious that this was a large conspiracy and that some of the other prisoners were part of it. We've beaten a number of the others to -- excuse me -- I mean, we've questioned a number of the prisoners as we try to, uh, like, sort things out. At this early stage of the investigation, we know that the perpetrators were definitely involved with ah, illegal drugs and that they are in league with highly sophisticated computer hackers, you know, capable of disabling the county's prison security system.
Federal agents have preliminarily described this as an act of terrorism and caution members of the public that our suspect is likely armed and dangerous. An inventory of the guardhouse weapons showed that at least one, and possibly more handguns were, like, taken from the jail house. So if you spot the suspect, we caution people not to try to apprehend him, but to immediately call your local law enforcement agency.”
I saw Szofia pull what looked like a black semi-automatic pistol from the front pocket of her hooded sweatshirt. She pointed the gun sideways, "gangsta style," at the television. “Pew, pew, pew'” she mimed with one green eye closed. “Pew, pew, pew!”
I was horrified! “Szofia!! Did you take that from the jail??!!”
"Beats me, Hughbie'" Szophia replied. “I just found it in my pocket. All the kids at school carry something. Maybe I found it on the playground during recess, who knows?"
“... Sheriff Wrangler, can you tell us the name of the suspect and what is known about him?”
“Yes. Uh, his name is Hugo Nash. He's about 5' 9", about 195 pounds, gray-brown thinning hair, brown eyes, as shown in this mug shot taken when he was brought into the facility. He could have dyed his hair, you know, and might be wearing colored contact lenses, also. Nash, uh, claims to be an American veteran of the Spanish Civil War and the Iraq and Afghan and Syrian and Yugoslavian Wars of Liberation, but, we've checked and the Pentagon has no military records for him. He, uh, has a peculiar physical disability in that his hands appear to be like inside-out and upside-down, or whatever - possibly the effect of special military training, you know, by a non-American terrorist organization funded by us.
We have some reports that he often wears heavy mittens, probably to avoid leaving fingerprints at his crime scenes, you understand. Last week a couple of women were apparently assaulted by Nash in a shopping center. They say that he tried to ply them with offers of friendship or atheist Marxist propaganda and pornography, or all of them together, you know how these Reds are, and he wanted them to go to the movies with him for unknown, but likely criminal purposes. And did I mention, Christine, that this Commie's mittens are RED? RED!! There's a clue right there. That tells you what we might be dealing with. A Commie caught red-handed, so to speak!
Now we don't want to unduly alarm the public, but you know, better safe than sorry. Our deputies observed that Mr. Nash has a very foreign and, like formal way of speaking, as though American is his fourth or fifth language after Iranian, or Chinese, or Cuban, or Canadian, or whatever; so we're suspicious that he might be a Palestinian or North Korean Jihadist or a crypto-Venezuelan drug lord - or he could be all of them - operating under deep cover as an elementary school teacher.”
Suddenly they showed the jailhouse booking picture of ME, HUGO NASH, on the television screen! I was shocked! “Szofia!” I exclaimed. “That's a picture of me!”
Szofia compared the picture on the screen to my own ersatz face. “Hmmm. You're right to be upset, Hugh; that's not a very flattering picture is it? You should have closed your mouth and combed your hair and tried not to look so 'surprised,' ya know? Hmmmm, a Palestinian or North Korean Jihadist, Hugh; who'd a thunk it, huh?”
I was upset with her. “Szofia! Be serious! I'm a wanted man!”
She was nonplussed. “That's very cool, Hugh... you know, there are some men that just nobody wants. Try not to let it go to your head, okay?"
“...We're also on the look out for his blue-green Ford sedan, kind of an old beater, we understand, and possibly a, uh, White, but possibly Hispanic or American Indian or Afro-Asian or Indo-European juvenile girl with like green-dyed hair, about 11 or 12 or 13 years old, maybe younger or older, who appears to be either an adopted child or part of an Antifa anarchist street gang or, maybe, a juvenile delinquent or a drug dealer, although she could be all or none of the above, you know.
We don't have any current photos of the girl, but we're talking to her parents who, unfortunately, didn't know she was actually missing. But we'll find her, or I'm not Sheriff Cody Wrangler!”
Szofia started laughing! I was amazed at her insouciance. She chortled and said, “Well good luck with that search, Mr. Po-leez-man! It isn't like you've got a drivers license for me or a Christmas picture with Santa! And I always skipped school whenever it was class photo day! And, ahahaha, my adopted mummy and poppy didn't know I was missing!! Ahahaha, just like they've never noticed anything all these years! Ohohohohoho! Soooo freaking fun-ny!”
“...We've also obtained from the NSA data repository Hugo Nash's complete medical records, his emails over the past 15 years, his Web-surfing habits and every text and phone call he's ever made plus his shopping history and his social networking posts on Tweezers and Fazebuch and XYZ. We've also got every credit card purchase, all of his on-line banking activities, telephone voice samples, school and bus surveillance videos, his tax returns and copies of all of the secret ballots he's cast in every election for the past 20 years.
There has been a lot of pornographic and violent messages sent to his cell phone and emails over the years, and even though all of it was sent to him as spam, it could be a form of encryption, like the messages of an international web of drug-dealing, sex-slaving Hong Kong computer kidnappers aligned with a crypto-ISIS type of secret organization like Beaucoup Harrumph and Al Jazeera and Wikileaks.
So, just to be safe, you know what I mean, we've put out an, uh, Amber Alert because it might turn out that this Nash fellow has, uh, kidnapped the girl. In that case, we are dealing with a sexually deviant Islamofascist pedophile drug-pushing communist, you know, who, like that Putin secret agent and Commie pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, is kind of recruiting helpless young Christian girls for international prostitution in North Korea and Iran, drug- smuggling, digital sabotage, domestic littering and Russian suicide bombing missions in Ukraine.
Now this is all just speculation right now, nothing hard to go on, you know, and we don't want to, uh, prejudge the situation, but these are real possibilities that in all probability they could likely be true, and we might just have averted another 911 attack on the World Trade Center, you know what I mean? But this Nash fellow, of course, will be presumed innocent, until we arrest him and kill him.”
Szofia was jumping up and down with excitement. “Yowser! We're famous, Hugh!!! We're the new Bonnie and Clyde! I’m the moll of the Americas! America, meet Szofia and Hughie! Szofia and Hughie, America's Most Wanted!! Yeehaa! Ho ho, they think you've kidnapped ME! An intelligent vegetable from another galaxy! Green-DYED hair! Dyed!!! Oh, that's soooooooo funny. Ahahahaha, only my clorophyllist knows for sure! Ha ha ha! And we're TERRORISTS! AND YOU'RE A NABOKOVIAN CRADLE-ROBBER WHO’S RUN OFF WITH A 78,238 YEAR OLD VEGETABLE LOLITA!”
Szofia was laughing so hard that she began to gag as she spoke. “Yeehaa! Hugh, this is the most fun I've had since I was a wild young sapling and slipped peyote buttons into the bean sprouts' watering can! Wheeehaa!” She reached over and high-fived me vigorously on my inside-out hands.
I was not happy with her or with the situation. I told her sharply: “Szofia, stop it! This is serious! They are out looking for us!” But Szofia continued to chortle uncontrollably.
The gravity of the situation struck me and I started to moan uncontrollably,“Oiyoyoyei Oiyoyoyei Oiyoyoyei!!”
Well, thank you Christine Zipe. This is certainly a story we'll be following for all of our viewers. Now let's hear what KPUT meteorologist Cal Lippey has in store for us with tomorrow's weather report... <click>
Szofia, laughing deliriously, flipped the channel changer into the air and let it drop onto the carpet. She dropped on her back onto the spongy bed and then bounced back onto her feet. “Oh hohoho, ahhahahahahha! This is all tooo fuuuuunnnny, Hughbiedobedoo! Ohohoho, this is so funnny, I think...
I think...
I think I'm going...
… to barf... ahahahahahaha!”
I turned my head to look at my 4D survival backpack and watched my analog pressure-gauges spinning wildly.
Szofia saw the worry written on my face. “Hugh Hugh Hugh,” she mocked me. “You are such a worry-wart. These 3D earth animals are so stuuuuuupid, it will take them decades to figure out where we are. And they'll just stop looking long before that!”
She ran over to the other side of the room. “Look outside the window, Hugh!” she laughed, lifting one of the yellowed Venetian blind slats with the barrel of her pistol. “So, what do you see, huh?
Nothing...
... nothing...
... just
... just thirty or forty police cars...
… several dozen police motorcycles...
… several armored SWAT vehicles...
… a hundred or so cops in riot gear and gas masks and snipers and canine units...
* * *
[Life Among the Three Dimensionals is a serialized sci-fi novel. Dazed and confused? For earlier chapters click HERE.]
"Hugh, I can't understand what you're saying. You sound like you're talking upside down!"
"Not now, Hugh, this is interesting... And I told you to stop talking to me upside down. I can't understand you!”