The Sprint to The Finish Line
Democrats and Republicans Send Athletes to Compete in the Paris Olympics
Rather than debate in another choreographed televised debate, the two American political camps opted, instead, to send their champions to compete head-to-head at the Paris Summer Olympics.
Security was tight - tight because the Secret Service had been up all night drinking cognac, curacao, and absinthe electric iced teas. Still, their eyes were steady... almost glazed, in fact... and their aim was sure (although what - or at whom - they might be aiming at was not entirely clear).
The Republican's Team Trump - represented, or course, by Donald Trump - waved to an enthusiastic crowd of paid sycophants as they strode into the main sports pavilion. Mr. Trump wore his trademark dark blue suit and red necktie. He carried an American flag with fifty white dollar signs against a blue background. A contingent of the Basket of Deplorables cast rose petals and hundred dollar bills ahead of his path. Mr. Trump was accompanied by his trainers, his dietitians, his hair colorist, his golf caddie, his script writers, his pollsters, his sons and daughters, several dozen pro-Israel AIPAC lobbyists, Elon Musk, Jamie Dimon, and a horde of defense attorneys, all riding on large and very flatulent elephants. The Republican cavalcade of athletes was followed by enserfed middle and working class taxpayers who had to clean up the detritus and elephant doo.
The Democrats' Team Harris - represented by the ethnically rebranded Kamala Harris - waved to an enthusiastic crowd of her own paid sycophants as she marched into the main sports pavilion wearing her trademark light blue pants suit. A coterie of trans-gendered elementary school children preceded the Harris entourage casting marijuana buds, puberty blockers and shredded dollar bills in her path. Ms. Harris carried a rainbow colored American flag with 50 genders of multi-colored stars against a green background. She was accompanied by her corporate lawyer husband, her trainers, her ventriloquist, her script writers, several dozen pro-Israel AIPAC lobbyists, her pollsters, George Soros, Reid Hoffman, and a horde of trial lawyers all sitting on their very flatulent asses and donkeys. The Democratic cavalcade of athletes was followed by enserfed middle and working class taxpayers who had to sweep up the confetti and the donkey dung.
The two major parties also jointly chipped in to charter a special flight to Paris for third party candidate Robert F. Kennedy's entourage. The chartered jet was a Boeing 737-9 flown by crack pilots - or, rather, pilots on crack - with a special seat reserved for Mr. Kennedy right next to the rear fuselage plug door. When last heard from, the charter flight had made an emergency landing in Kabul, Afghanistan which, by all accounts, is rather distant from Paris. Various government agencies are said to be investigating how Mr. Kennedy's flight mysteriously ended up in the wrong part of the world and why the Boeing 737 rear fuselage plug door did not pop out. In the meanwhile, the State Department has revoked the passports of Mr. Kennedy and his campaign workers leaving all of them stranded in Kabul, at least until January 2025.
The Paris Olympic Games began in earnest. Republicans and Democrats immediately launched into their heavy-weight division mud wrestling competition. The judges quickly determined that it was a draw because once the mud-flinging had begun, neither team could easily be distinguished from the other.
The Republicans and Democrats then entered the gymnastics events, each parties' champions demonstrating their finest contortions, twists and distortions of reality. In the parallel propaganda bars, each parties' representatives tried to portray the other as being responsible for the rapid downward spiral of the American Empire. Ultimately, the audience couldn't figure out the two parties' gymnastics routines at all and simply changed channels to watch "Three Stooges" and "Gilligan's Island" reruns on TV. The gymnastics judges - New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post and Fox TV commentators and journalists - variously awarded 5.0 or zero (or negative) score cards for every athletic performance, depending on which party's team they were judging.
In track and field, the Republicans Lindsey Graham, John Bolton, William Barr and Nikki Haley set a new world record in Team Truth Vaulting. For some reason, all others participating in this event either disappeared or mysteriously died or conceded (their arms in slings or their faces badly bruised) without even trying. The coach of the Republican truth-vaulters, Mike Pompeo, told reporters that the secret to their success in the Truth Vault, as in all high credibility games, was simply that "we lied, we cheated, we stole."
The Democrats, however, swept all the medals in the synchronized lying competition. The Democrats winning team consisted of Rupert Murdoch (owner of "The Wall Street Journal," "Fox TV," the "NY Post," etc), Jeff Bezos (owner of "The Washington Post"), A.G. Sulzberger (co-owner "The New York Times"), Mark Zuckerberg (majority owner of Facebook), the CEOs of Google, Microsoft, National Public Radio and sundry Hollywood moguls.
By coordinating their political pitches in the press pool, the Democratic synchronized lying team successfully portrayed themselves as champions of the Middle and Working Classes, even though none of them had ever actually encountered someone from the Middle and Working Classes (except as limousine drivers, nannies, valets, cooks, security guards, housemaids and gardeners). The Democratic synchronized lying team also managed to completely sweep the field of contrary opinions and dissent, thereby creating the illusion that everyone, everywhere supports their platform.
In the 400 meter relay race, everyone encountered "technical difficulties." At the outset, Team Trump and Team Harris squabbled over the use of a starting gun. The Republicans demanded that the traditional blank-firing revolver be replaced with a semi-automatic NRA approved AR15 with a large capacity magazine loaded with FMJ 5.56x45 cartridges. The Democrats, on the other hand, demanded that all "guns" of any type and caliber be banned - especially the ones that go "bang" when you pull the trigger - except for those guns carried by security personnel protecting the Democrats' Olympic team.
The Republican relay team was anchored by Donald Trump, of course, but his team-mates Mitt Romney, Mike Pence and Liz Cheney absolutely refused to pass the baton to Mr. Trump. Instead, they ran around in circles and away from him doing their best NOT to let Mr. Trump finish the race. Or even begin it.
Meanwhile, the Democratic 400 meter relay team was equally disorganized as the third runner on the team - Joe Biden - in the next to last leg, started to look around for "his old Olympic team-mate Jesse Owens." Mr. Biden - reputed to have once been the President of the United States - adamantly refused to pass the baton to Kamala Harris. The Democrats previously tried to throw Joe Biden off the team altogether because he had exceeded his "use by" date. In the end, the judges declared both parties' teams "winners" just for showing up and participating, even though neither team finished the relay race in any fashion that could remotely be called free, fair or democratic.
In the Palestinian Child Toss event, both the Republicans and the Democrats fielded the same athlete: Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Republican and Democratic Party spokespersons brushed aside as antisemitic and unpatriotic any "silly questions" how a non-American politician from a foreign country could represent both parties of Team USA.
Mr. Netanyahu, competing simultaneously for Team Harris and Team Trump, then set a world record for tossing tens of thousands of Palestinian children out of their homes and into squalid refugee camps or cemeteries. In his post-awards press conference, Mr. Netanyahu vowed that he would remain the preeminent athlete in this sport until he eventually set a genocidal world record by tossing and ethnically cleansing every single Palestinian from the River Jordan to the Mediterranean Sea. The Republicans and Democrats wildly applauded Mr. Netanyahu's athletic prowess as they counted their sackfuls of campaign contributions. The Olympic world audience, however, responded by boycotting, sanctioning and divesting themselves of all other such events featuring the ineffable Mr. Netanyahu.
Another non-American,Volodymyr Zelensky, won a gold medal for the Democrats in the Ukrainian Fencing competition. Although Mr. Zelensky nominally participated as a Democrat, it was widely acknowledged that many Republican Senators also rooted for Mr. Zelensky and voted to give him billions and billions and billions of dollars for continued athletic training.
In Ukrainian Fencing, the players seek to obtain as much sporting equipment as possible and then fence it all on the black market at enormous profit. Fencers in this sport use a special foil called a "racket." In Ukrainian Fencing, everybody "wins" with large kick-backs, bribes and shady under the table payments (such as those paid by Burisima Energy Corporation to Hunter and Joe Biden and the profits earned by American weapons manufacturers) -- excepting, of course, middle and working class taxpayers who have to foot the bills without understanding the rules.
And... speaking of rules... the Olympic Rules Committee, consisting of Antony Blinken, Olaf Scholz, Emmanuel Macron, Ursula von der Leyen, NATO's Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, the head of the EU Central Bank Christine Lagarde, the United Kingdom's newly befuddled Prime Minister Keir Starmer, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, and Canada's Justin Trudeau jointly proclaimed that the Paris Olympics would be run fairly, honestly and according to a rules-based order where only they knew what the rules were. Accordingly, all Chinese, Russian, Cuban, Palestinian, South African, Nigerian, Malian, Syrian, Libyan, Hungarian, Venezuelan, Iranian, and Yemeni athletes were summarily excluded from winning any prizes based on numerous secret rules, none of which were disclosed or explained.
As to the Chinese Olympics team, however, Mr. Blinken clarified that they had been sanctioned because they were deemed by the United States to be athletically "over-qualified" and "overly capable" as evidenced by the Chinese beating Americans at their own game. Thus, Mr. Blinken explained, China needed to be severely handicapped to render its athletes significantly less competitive than Americans.
"Because. Those are 'The Rules,'" Mr. Blinken said.
Mr. Blinken furthermore explained that the Chinese men should go back to wearing queues, Chinese women should have their feet bound, and Chinese workers should be forced to serve as coolie labor for American, German, French and British imperialists as in the 19th Century. Mr. Blinken additionally demanded that China resume importing and consuming opium, just as in "the good old days" before the Communist Party - in an unfair, anti-western and highly non-competitive act - lifted up the standard of living for all of the Chinese people and created an attractive alternative to the degenerate model of Western capitalist "civilization."
Team China responded to America's Olympic sanctions and trade barriers by winning all of the important sporting competitions in computer chip design, EV and solar power technology, mathematics, robotics, social justice, telecommunications, education, and space exploration.
In Women's Olympic Boxing, biological men who self-identify as women won all the medals after thrashing their female opponents in the ring. Canada's Justin Trudeau and France's Emmanuel Macron cheered the beat-down of women athletes as a victory for "gender equality" (somehow) and that anyone who dissented from this approved opinion was an anti-science homophobic troglodyte who should also be beaten.
Both the Republicans and the Democrats fielded trap and skeet shooting teams. Both parties' shooting teams had practiced earlier in the summer at a shooting range outside Butler, Pennsylvania where they honed their skills taking political target practice. Nevertheless, the coaches of the uni-party joint trap and skeet teams (the coaches' names remain unknown), ultimately decided not to send to the Paris Olympics any shooters who had, in fact, practiced on the Butler, PA firing range. They were struck from the shooting team due to their poor marksmanship and consistently missing the target.
The Paris Pentathlon was canceled after several athletes swimming in the highly polluted Seine River contracted e coli from capitalist fecal matter and scum floating in the water. Emmanuel Macron said that the river scum was just like froth on a cup of cappuccino and completely harmless. So he said.
However, U.S. athletic team doctor, Anthony Fauci, blamed the athletes themselves for failing in advance of their swimming events to get e coli mRNA injections and booster shots (manufactured by certain pharmaceutical companies that had paid royalties to Dr. Fauci). Although several athletes who had taken the mRNA shots suffered heart attacks or strokes, Dr. Fauci denied any causal effect. He said people had to "follow the science" (which he defined as himself). He furthermore pointed out that dead people do not contract diseases, thereby proving the efficacy of the (still experimental) mRNA technology.
The two parties fielded their best athletes in the free style economics competition. Team Trump promised a chicken in every pot, and the abolition of income and inheritance taxes for every billionaire in America... which, Team Trump assured its sporting fans, would trickle down to working serfs everywhere.
Sooner or later.
Some day.
Some how.
Mr. Trump also promised zero interest rates, a gravity-defying stock market and unbridled oil drilling and production notwithstanding global climate change.
Team Harris, on the other hand, promised everyone more pot than chicken along with Weimar style hyper-inflation such that everyone would earn more but could afford less. Team Harris also promised a guaranteed instant college degree for everyone regardless whether he/she/it/they actually attended college, but who could certifiably read at a 3rd grade level and count up to twenty on their toes and fingers (exceptions provided, however, for those with fewer, or more, than twenty toes and fingers).
Ms. Harris outdid Mr. Trump by promising not just zero interest rates, but negative rates that paid voters to borrow money. She also guaranteed a hyper-supercharged stock market that would defy gravity and never ever, ever, ever go down. Ms. Harris also promised to accelerate the electrification of America so that more fracked natural gas produced here could be liquefied and shipped to Europe in large diesel-burning tanker ships to substitute for Russian natural gas that couldn't be delivered because the United States had blown up the Nordstream Baltic Sea pipeline, thereby releasing billions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere, resulting in increased global warming and the further need to electrify America.
Demonstrating his next move in the free style economics competition, Mr. Trump then promised that in his next administration, every billionaire, no matter what his race, gender, or ethnicity, could afford to live in the waterfront mansion of his or her dreams, and that every billionaire would be able to afford nannies to raise his or her children in comfort and security and send them to the exclusive, private schools of their choice.
Ms. Harris retorted that in her administration, in order to alleviate the shortage of affordable housing, every working class man, woman and infinite variations thereof would have access to brand new 100 square foot shanties made of ticky-tacky that, at current rates of inflation, will still be unaffordable... except to the investor class who would buy them up en mass; and, in turn, would lease out the new ticky-tacky shanties to working class people at exorbitant rents; or simply lease them out as Airbnbs for tourists.
Ms. Harris also promised to import millions of "refugee children" from countries whose economies had been intentionally wrecked by Western economic and imperialist war policy so that these refugee children could be adopted - as pets or domestic servants - by the otherwise childless professional and working class people of America who have no time or money or energy or inclination in a self-destructive society like ours to start and raise their own families.
The Olympic 10 meter high diving competition was won by the Democrats on style points alone because the entire high diving team was already a mile high and cognitively dissociated on ketamine, magic mushrooms and designer hallucinogenics. The Republican high divers (consisting mainly of big-bellied beer-drinkers who imbibe suds other than Bud, of course) insisted that they should have won the event for having made the splashiest, audience soaking synchronized cannon-ball jump while emitting a deafening team burp from the event's high jump.
In the Olympic Marathon, Mr. Trump refused to start the 26 mile race without a golf cart. Ms. Harris (who had not even started the event) deftly jumped in from the sidelines only 100 feet from the finish line and claimed she had won fair and square.
In the final Olympic football match, Team Trump refused to participate unless the judges either changed the name of the game to "soccer" or changed the rules to those used by the National Football League. Mr. Trump said he believed in America First and he would not countenance a "foreign" game of "football" that did not allow players to wear pads and helmets, use their hands, throw passes, punt the ball and gang tackle opposing players. As for the Democrats, they also refused to play the final match unless, in the name of "equity," all of the "soccer" referees were replaced with DEI wheelchair bound blind people of indeterminate gender, and that each team would be awarded any number of goals that they aspired to kick, unencumbered by the matches that they had lost in the past. Or something like that.
The games culminated in the highly anticipated Olympic Vote Stealing competition in which both Republicans and Democrats vied, through fraud or foul play, to interfere with or outright disenfranchise each other's base of registered, unregistered, deceased, under-age, illegal, fictitious, and non-citizen voters. The gold medal competition in Olympic Vote Stealing was postponed to early November due to steadily increasing incidents of voting irregularities in the judging of the Olympic games themselves.
Recently reelected Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered to send election monitors to guarantee the integrity of the American Vote Stealing Competition in November, as did Syria's Bashar al-Assad and North Korea's Kim Jong Un. However, Team Trump and Team Harris emphatically rejected their offers on the basis that no one knows better than America what stolen and manipulated elections look like.
At the time of this report, the Democratic Olympic Team announced that it had already won all of the medals in every Olympic event, including those that had not concluded or had yet to begin. By their own count (verified by "experts" appearing on Mainstream Media, Social Media and National Public Radio), the Democratic Team tally included 76,347,398 gold medals, 798,309 silver medals and 2,809,000 bronze medals which, of course, vastly exceeds the total number of legitimate sporting events. In response, the Republican Party Olympic Team issued a press release declaring that the entire Olympics was rigged in favor of the Democrats and, as a result, they were nullifying the games altogether and staging an insurrection.
A rollicking good time was had by all - except for Robert Kennedy's campaign which the Republicans and Democrats jointly agreed should remain stranded and without passports in Afghanistan.
Both Team Trump and Team Harris then decamped Paris and returned to the U.S.A. to resume their respective unsportsmanlike conduct, bare knuckle fisticuffs, political sabotage and TV wrestling.
