Up in the Sky! It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's a Weather Balloon!
A Lighter than Air Reader Survey
The US claimed to have shot down several Chinese balloons. They were purportedly spying on Americans' barbecues, rhododendrons and suburban backyard missile silos. Now, the White House is walking back its story. Or is it just side-stepping?
Who knows?
Unless you personally witnessed a balloon with a telescope flying over your roof, you can safely assume that the reported facts are at best, sieved and curated; at worst, partially or completely spun to suit an agenda. At Hippomuse, we believe that if you haven't been provided the true and complete story, then you have every right to make one up yourself.
So exactly what did the USAF's F-22 fighter planes shoot down? Was this a “blimp event” à la Captain Beefheart? Whose balloons were they? What were they doing and why were they doing it?
We are as unconstrained by reality as the major news networks. Shamelessly, we report the news that you help us to fabricate:
First, let's establish who owned these balloons and what were they doing floating around your bedroom windows. Do you believe that the balloons were owned by China, and why?
Yes, because Communism. Grrrr. The Reds have started every war since the Chinese invaded England in 1066. I haven't actually read anything written by Marx, Engels, Lenin or Mao, but I don't need to, because AOC, Progressives and whatever. Grrrr.
Yes, because even if these were private corporate balloons, the Chinese government owns all Chinese corporations and it tells the corporations what to do.
No, because these were U.S. corporate balloons. The US government is owned by corporations and corporations tell the US government what to do.
Yes - the Chinese want to study and copy our secret formulas for creating inflation, school violence, street crime, crippling debt, gender fluidity, illiteracy, social dystopia, gambling, drug use and homelessness.
Yes. Even if these were weather balloons, America's weather is confidential. No one is permitted to know the weather without a Top Secret security clearance!
Could the US have shot down its own spy balloons and is that why it has stopped searching for the "debris?"
No. The US doesn't spy on anyone and never has, let alone anyone inside the United States. That would be against the Law and the US always obeys the Law!
Yes. They were iSpy Valentine balloons that "unwittingly" went astray.
No. They were clay skeet pigeons.
No. They were just high-tossed pizzas.
No. These were cheapo DIY weather balloons set adrift by the Northern Illinois Bottlecap Balloon Brigade and similar hobbyists around the country.
Who owned and operated these things, if not China or the US?
Haiti. Haiti has been spying on the US for centuries, if not forever. Or longer.
Martians launched these balloons. They've been circling the Earth for years vainly seeking signs of intelligent life. They'll probably give up now.
The USAF shot down Steven Spielberg's ET on his way after successfully phoning home. Oh well.
Santa Claus launched these spy balloons - how else can he keep track of who's been naughty or nice?
I don't know, but strangers are always looking at me. And talking about me behind my back. Maybe they were spying on me? Everyone else is.
Maybe the US shot down something other than balloons? If not balloons, what did the US shoot down?
The Russian Atmospheric Natural Gas Pipeline to Europe (Nordstrőm 3).
AWS and Microsoft Azure Cloud Servers.
US Representative George Santos' latest whoppers.
Vogons laying out the road for the next intergalactic highway.
Alien Escapees from Area 51.
If these were, indeed, balloons used for surveillance, what should the US do about it?
The US should immediately nuke Iran. Because grrrr.
The US should donate another 100 trillion dollars plus six nuclear powered aircraft carriers, 100 B-52 bombers and the Kardashian family to Ukraine.
The US must ban all Chinese food deliveries and prohibit speaking or thinking in Chinese.
It's time to get over the Vietnam War. No one remembers it anyway. Reinstate the draft!
Ban party balloons.
If these were not surveillance balloons, what could have provoked the US to shoot them down?
The 2024 presidential election.
The need to divert attention from investigative reporter Seymour Hersch's exposé about the US and UK blowing up the Russian gas pipelines in the Baltic Sea and deliberately wrecking Germany's economy.
Pete Buttigieg's need to distract attention from the train derailment and the ensuing ecological disaster in East Palestine, Ohio.
These were unvaccinated balloons that could have spread Covid-19.
Balloons cause global warming by blocking out the sun, particularly over the Arctic.
Who do you think the US should attack next with or without cause?
Pete Buttigieg. Grrrr.
Donald Trump. Grrrr.
Justin Trudeau. Grrrr.
Davos, Switzerland and the World Economic Forum. Grrrr.
All of the above, plus China, Russia, India, Iran, North and South Korea, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico, France, the Vatican, Cuba, Hollywood and Andorra. Grrrr.
Thank you for taking the first Hippomuse Survey. Please let us know something about yourself:
Comments (as yet unredacted and unfiltered):
I make 20 cents a week spamming web sites like this one working from prison. It's a complete dead end job with terrible hours and no benefits, but it beats staring all day at the walls and barred window. If interested, send me a photograph, all of your personal data and financial information, and I will send you a free "trial" balloon. Ha ha! That's a joke. I'm in prison. A "trial" balloon. Get it? Oh, never mind.
Hello. I am Mrs. Claus. My husband, Santa, went out for a training run with his reindeer earlier this month and they never came back. If you've got any news about them, please send me a message at the North Pole.
This is Superman. I am missing my dog, Krypto. He was last seen near a Klondike fire hydrant in Canada. He was frolicking with his four-legged friends Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Dumbo the Elephant. Reward offered.
My name is Doc Brown. Has anyone seen my 1981 DeLorean? It was coming "Back to the Future" when it suddenly dropped off the radar screen.
[This comment has been deleted because it meets our editorial standards of poor taste and insipidness].